1. Avoiding Conflict Altogether:
Rather than discussing, issues that have frustrations you in a calm, respectful manner, some people just
don’t say anything to their Husband or wife or someone they are dating, until they’re ready to explode.
This may seems to be the less stressful route—avoiding an argument altogether—but usually causes more
stress to both of you, as tensions rise, resentments fester, and a much bigger argument eventually results.
It's much healthier to address and resolve conflict.
2. Being Defensive:
Rather than addressing a sonmeone's complaints with an objective eye and willingness to understand
the other person’s point of view, defensive people steadfastly deny any wrongdoing and work hard to avoid
looking at the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem.
Denying responsibility may seem to alleviate stress in the short run, but creates long-term
problems when people don’t feel listened to and unresolved conflicts and continue to grow.
3. Overgeneralizing: When something happens that we don’t like, some of us blow it out of proportion
by making sweeping generalizations. Avoid starting sentences with, “You always…” and “You never…”,
as in, “You always come home late!” or “You never do what I want to do!” Stop and think about whether or not this is really true. Also, don’t bring up past conflicts to throw the discussion off-topic and stir up more negativity. This stands in the way of true conflict resolution, and increases the level of conflict..
4. Being Right: It’s damaging to decide that there’s a ‘right’ way to look at things and a ‘wrong’ way to look
at things, and that your way of seeing things is right. Don’t demand that the other person see things the same way, and don’t take it as a personal attack if they have a different opinion. Look for a compromise or agreeing to disagree, and realize that two points of view can both be valid.
5. Psychoanalyzing / Mind-Reading: Instead of asking about the other persons thoughts and feelings,
people sometimes decide that they ‘know’ what the other person is thinking and feeling, based only on faulty interpretations of their actions—and always assume it’s negative! This creates hostility and misunderstandings.
6. Forgetting to Listen: Some people interrupt, roll their eyes, and rehearse what they’re going to say next
instead of truly listening and attempting to understand the other person. This keeps you from seeing their
point of view, and keeps your them from wanting to see yours! Don’t underestimate the importance of really
listening and empathizing with the other person!
7. Playing the Blame Game: Some people handle conflict by criticizing and blaming the other person
for the situation. They see admitting any weakness on their own part as a weakening of their credibility, and avoid it at all costs, and even try to shame the other person for being ‘at fault’. Instead, try to view conflict as an opportunity to analyze the situation objectively, assess the needs of both parties and come up with a solution that helps you both.
I think the following are extreamly good for couples:
8. Trying to ‘Win’ The Argument: This is key for couples, I heard a Dr. says that if people are focused on ‘winning’ the argument, “the relationship loses”! The point of a relationship discussion should be mutual understanding and coming to an agreement or resolution that respects everyone’s needs. If you’re making a case for how wrong the other person is, discounting their feelings, and staying stuck in your point of view, your focused in the wrong direction!
9. Making Character Attacks: Sometimes people take any negative action from a the other person and blow it up into a personality flaw. (For example, if your husband leaves his socks lying around, looking at it as a character flaw and label him ‘inconsiderate and lazy’, or, if a the wife wants to discuss a problem with the relationship, labeling her ‘needy’, ‘controlling’ or ‘too demanding’.) Both of these creates negative perceptions on both sides.
Remember to respect the person, even if you don’t like the behavior.
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